It meant nothing. I don't want you anymore. Why? You are boring. Damaged. Too much. I always knew it wouldn't last. In my love, I was blind. In my anger, I was flustered. I let rage and my desire for revenge consume me and take hold.
You were a mistake. I know this now. I am sorry for how this has ended. I am sorry for being over you so quickly. I almost feel guilty that when you said, "goodbye," I was overjoyed. Yes, also mortified, but relieved you were finally leaving.
The truth is, I grew tired of you long ago. I stuck around for a reason even I can't comprehend. I do not know why I stayed and begged you to stay. Perhaps it was love, but this reasoning does not suffice. There is more, and yet, I don't really care what it was. I'm only interested in moving on now. In finding a new adventure. In beginning the story I abandoned so long ago.
I will not lie (anymore). I don't want you to find happiness. I want you to suffer. To pay. To wallow in anguish forever. LOST. ALONE. AFRAID.
I still want revenge.
So I'm not quite over you yet. I need more time, but I am very close. Tomorrow I will let you go. Tomorrow... NO. Today. Today you will die again and again. Burned in the fire of my mind. Burned until there is nothing left, but ashes of what it once was. Distant memories...
I was in love once before. When I think of her, it hurts. It's my fault she's gone. I hurt her. I made too many mistakes. She's never coming back. She's better without me. It would have been better if I had never met her. That hurts too.
She never even knew. I'll never get to tell her. It's too late. I miss her. I miss everything about her. I did something. I choose the wrong path. I trapped myself in a bad place. I tried to shield myself from the pain by lying to myself. I lost myself in every way. I forgot who I was. I no longer understood the difference between reality and fantasy. It was a blur. Like a nightmare thought to be a dream. I believed I had done the right thing.
I was a fool. I was mistaken. But it's too late now. This is a wound that will never truly heal, and it's all my fault.
But the wound of you... is healing so quickly. Curious. It astounds me. Perplexes.
I wonder if it really is healing. Perhaps this is a trick. I can only hope it's not.
Thank you for the good memories. Fuck you for the bad ones. Don't take that last one too seriously.
I don't think it's a trick though because I can listen to "I'll Forget You" from the Scarlet Pimpernal. It doesn't hurt anymore. I feel nothing, but maybe a little tinge of pain in the center of my chest. It fades with each passing day. Soon I will feel nothing. How exciting.
It hurts to say, but I still love you. I can't change that no matter what I do. Once you love someone, truly love, you can never stop. A sad fact sometimes. But just because I love you, doesn't mean I want to be with you.
I know you don't want to be with me. I began wanting to leave you a little after school resumed. I stayed for fear of hurting you, but after "the incident" I don't know what possessed me to stay. It's not like I wanted to. Very odd. Very strange.
You aren't in my dreams anymore. You were always before. Now I see someone else. I don't know this person in my dreams, but he keeps appearing. I doesn't leave when I tell him too. He stays and messes up my dreams. Just waltzes right in and tells me to wake up. Bastard. Doesn't let me stay in my dream world. The odd thing is I can't remember what he looks like. I only know he was there. Maybe I'll make a mental note when I see him again tonight.
Do you still have dreams? Or were they shattered, love?
Or maybe you only have nightmares. Awakening in a cold sweat. Gasping for air. Looking for the beasts in the shadows. Letting your fears fill you with dread. Taking you in and spitting you out. Naked. Exposed. The thought of being alone. Feeling so small compared to the outside world. No one to hold your hand and shield you from ugliness all around. You only have yourself and the lies you make.
Behind you is destruction. Before you is white. Nothing yet made. Quick! Hurry! You haven't much time. Make your choice. Decide your fate. Go forward or stay behind. This is your world. Make it to your design. You have all the tools. You and your mind. And the mind is very powerful indeed.
It's too late now. The white is gone. No more options. Just floating in nothingness. Feeling empty. Was it all a lie? Confusion. Terror. Shock. NO. This is your fault.
NO. It couldn't be, could it. No, it wasn't me. I am innocent. I am. I am.
The lies begin in your very core.
Please I am innocent.
You are condemned.
But I am...
Nothing.
But-
Go.
I-
No comments:
Post a Comment